Tuesday, July 12, 2016

In Transition

At the airport I felt like I was about to make the worst decision of my life. I suddenly had the overwhelming feeling of being pulled away from everything I knew and had grown accustomed to. It had become my new normal and I was stepping in to a new life where I didn't know a thing. The entire trip was not only physically draining but also emotionally. The on flight films didn't help with trying to hold it together either. After hours of breaking down in to tears over the loss of a relationship, of the fear of moving to another new city and most of all the realization that I was moving even further away from family, whom I had been craving more of lately, I finally arrived at the airport.

Signs are in English as well, phew!

I had to check in at the airport hotel because I arrived so late and the company employing me couldn't pick me up at that hour. The hotel looked nice enough, till I realized my room had no window.

Don't panic! I somehow manage to sleep, most probably because of exhaustion. The next morning, a rep from the university is there early to get me and transport me to another hotel where I will stay until I can find a more permanent solution. No window! Again. Is this a Chinese thing, because of the number of people, have they turned broom closets in to rooms?

I ask if I could get a room with a window and I get looks as if I've asked for a crown and staph. I can deal with a room with no window, I shouldn't be spending a lot of time in my room anyway. I'm in Shanghai. I should be exploring. It's fine, I could deal with it. This was just the beginning of the oddities of China.

Within a few days of arriving, me and a few other teachers, manage to find apartments. I end up in an apartment with three colleagues who over the course of the year become witnesses to my highs and lows. Unbeknownst to them this was the year I was going to make some serious changes in my life. This was going to be the year that I come out a stronger, bolder person, not willing to take sh*t from anyone.

Monday, July 11, 2016

Shanghai or Bust!


I find myself packing my life in a very unexpected way, and moving to Shanghai. A country I never thought I'd move to, China, is now going to be home for the next year. I don't feel like I'm done with Istanbul nor am I even near being done with turkey. But this change is important and almost necessary. I'm usually very pragmatic but this time in my life I need a change that presents the opportunity of completely changing the course of my life. Yes, I am one of those who believes that change is always good. In fact I sometimes make those risky decisions because those situations render the best changes, life changing and memorable.

Am I ready for what China has to offer? Absolutely not. But that's what makes it so great!

The person I was supposed to be moving there with has decided to walk away in pursuit of other women. Do I feel stupid for thinking this one would be different? No. Am I embarrassed that it's another failed relationship? Somewhat. I am not a fan of the social pressure to have my sh*t together. I am trying to find my way in life, without any handouts. It isn't easy. What I do know with absolute certainty is that with every failure the one thing you can count on is clarity of what you have learned. After you grieve, you reach a moment when what needs to happen next becomes unavoidable. That's how I'm feeling these days. I have to get in touch with myself. I can't keep losing myself in relationships. The realization that I need to be in charge of my future is becoming more apparent. If I'm truly honest, I've also been choosing emotionally stunted men because I don't want to commit. As cliche as this may sound I need to commit to myself first and make sure I put my emotional and mental health first. China is one of those places where things will be different and it will force me to reflect on patterns and habits and hopefully have the courage to break the cycle.

There is comfort in making similar decisions over and over again. There is security in having a general idea of how the next six to twelve months would turn out. Change one thing in your life and the effects ripple, and I'm about to embark on a relatively big change in life hoping the results rippled will put me more in tune with myself and help me get my sh*t together.