Monday, July 11, 2016

Shanghai or Bust!


I find myself packing my life in a very unexpected way, and moving to Shanghai. A country I never thought I'd move to, China, is now going to be home for the next year. I don't feel like I'm done with Istanbul nor am I even near being done with turkey. But this change is important and almost necessary. I'm usually very pragmatic but this time in my life I need a change that presents the opportunity of completely changing the course of my life. Yes, I am one of those who believes that change is always good. In fact I sometimes make those risky decisions because those situations render the best changes, life changing and memorable.

Am I ready for what China has to offer? Absolutely not. But that's what makes it so great!

The person I was supposed to be moving there with has decided to walk away in pursuit of other women. Do I feel stupid for thinking this one would be different? No. Am I embarrassed that it's another failed relationship? Somewhat. I am not a fan of the social pressure to have my sh*t together. I am trying to find my way in life, without any handouts. It isn't easy. What I do know with absolute certainty is that with every failure the one thing you can count on is clarity of what you have learned. After you grieve, you reach a moment when what needs to happen next becomes unavoidable. That's how I'm feeling these days. I have to get in touch with myself. I can't keep losing myself in relationships. The realization that I need to be in charge of my future is becoming more apparent. If I'm truly honest, I've also been choosing emotionally stunted men because I don't want to commit. As cliche as this may sound I need to commit to myself first and make sure I put my emotional and mental health first. China is one of those places where things will be different and it will force me to reflect on patterns and habits and hopefully have the courage to break the cycle.

There is comfort in making similar decisions over and over again. There is security in having a general idea of how the next six to twelve months would turn out. Change one thing in your life and the effects ripple, and I'm about to embark on a relatively big change in life hoping the results rippled will put me more in tune with myself and help me get my sh*t together.

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