a million pieces

Standing in a patch of clearing, catching my breath, I feel like a weight has been lifted. For the past month I have been numb. I have felt like I was just showing up for my life, not actively participating in it. I showed up to work, taught, graded and went home. People were talking to me and I was nodding my head in agreement, forcing smiles when I had to and even managed to muster up the strength for a laugh. My mind was always a 1001 miles away. I did everything I was supposed to. Kept myself busy, surrounded myself with friends and worked hard on my 'single girl's to-do list'. But for some reason I couldn't break away from that feeling of numbness. It always felt like I was having an outer body experience. It was as if my soul would break free from my body, float above me and look down on this lifeless figure of flesh, bones and curly hair, staring blankly at people around her, trying to mask how her heart was aching as best she could.

 But all that felt different now. I could feel my knees stinging with pain, from where the skin had split because of the impact, when I hit the ground. I could feel it damp and figured blood must be trickling out of the wound. I felt this urge to scream. To scream with rage. To let all the things I wanted to say but didn't, because I'm the sweet, polite girl who doesn't go around breaking people's hearts. The solitude of not knowing where I was gave me comfort and I let a scream coarse through my body as if I were exploding into a million pieces.

The thick blanket of lush green leaves swayed to the command of the wind. The cool breeze smelled sweet and caressed me softly. My skin, that initially felt like it was on fire, quickly calmed. It was as if the universe was saying "enough". I took a deep breath and with the exhale imagined I was letting out every last bit of disappointment and sadness I could picture.

 "Enough" I said out loud.

I was surrounded by trees with low-hanging branches of leaves that smelled so sweet and fresh. The night sky was a cool shade of navy with bright sparkling stars scattered everywhere. It was serene. The trees majestically towered over me. They offered me the security to let go and find myself. My mind was clear. I was no longer worried about where I was. I no longer felt abandoned. I didn't feel sad or lost. I felt nothing. But for the first time I didn't feel numb. I was eager to get back home and start my life again. My heart wasn't ready for this world, maybe it never will be. But we are fearless creatures and we stay hopeful because 'this world is too fragile for people to be untrue'.